Have you ever felt so overwhelmed that the mere act of breathing is difficult? That's been me just lately. I have so many things weighing on me at the moment and, while the people in my life have the best of intentions, I've been trying very hard to cope on my own.
See? I was raised to not burden others with your problems. They're YOUR problems so deal with them on your own. Only after you've exhausted every possible resource do you let others see what's going on.
The thing is that this makes me feel like I'm suffocating. And the first thing I do is cut myself off from those who love me most. My guy has known there is something wrong, but I try so hard to not burden him with the trivialities of my day to day. He's overseas and unable to help, other than to simply reassure me that he's got me, so I tend to hold things close to my vest.
The other day I hit my breaking point. When my sister from another Miss and Mister checked in, I fell apart. Knowing I was in a safe space with someone who loved me, I told her that I was drowning and that I felt like a failure.
I had been juggling everything for so long that I was getting tired, worn out, stressed out, and the balls were beginning to fall. I was crying and on the verge of breaking down completely. My Boo did what she always does...reminds me that there are people in my corner who are cheering for me to win. And that needing help doesn't mean I've failed. It simply means that I'm human!
Then, I finally broke down and told my guy. He reminded me that I'm not in this alone. Just because he isn't here that doesn't mean that I have to struggle to handle everything by myself. And that no matter what is on my mind or my heart, I will NEVER be a burden to him. And that was the point where I laid my head on my pillow and sobbed.
When Boo messaged and said, "I'm taking you to lunch," I came very close to saying, "Nah, I can't," then creating some stupid excuse. But I didn't. I washed my damn face, put on some make-up, combed my hair, put on some clothes, and met my best friend for lunch. And a miracle happened. We talked and overshared as best friends tend to do. We laughed. We cried. We shared a meal. And we completely unloaded our feelings at that table. We discussed men, kids, work, and how our bodies, minds, etc., are changing as women. Do you want to know what happened? I walked out of that restaurant feeling so unburdened and free. The stress was gone. The feeling of suffocation and drowning was gone. And I felt more like me that I did in a long time. I'm hoping she felt the same way.
As women, we are so used to carrying the burdens of the world. And we think we are failures if we ask our partners, our families, or our friends for help. Even something as simple as "Hey, do you have time to meet up for a cup of coffee?" feels like we are asking too much. When, in fact, we need to ask for help more often. We don't have to be superwoman to every person in our lives. Somedays, merely taking care of ourselves is the biggest thing we can do. Whether it is a 10 minute meditation or a 4 hour lunch, if we don't take care of ourselves first, how can we take care of everyone else?
