We've all heard the saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Hell, most of us have probably uttered it in various stages of our lives. But what I've learned over the years is this... words may not break bones, but they do leave their mark.
I put forth a lot of effort to remind others of how beautiful they are, whether they see it or not. I strive to help every woman see their worth and to understand that they are valuable not matter their size or looks. I do all of these things because I know what it is like to struggle with all of these things.
I have worked very hard over the last few years to see the beauty others see. It has taken some doing and it isn't always visible to me, but I'm better than I used to be. I can accept a compliment without degrading myself. I can stand to look at myself in the mirror for longer than a glance. And most days I don't give a flying fuck what others think.
Last week, I got knocked back and found myself on the verge of apologizing for taking up space. Let me explain:
I started a new job. A job that I'm actually really good at. Better than I thought I'd be, in fact. I have a boss that makes me laugh, who praises me, who encourages me, and who finds a way to compliment me every single day.
The other girl in the office is just as much fun! She and I get along really well. She's told me more than once that I can't quit, she won't allow it.
However...there is one woman who believes that she walks on water. And takes the chance to put me down every chance she can. It isn't always an obvious put-down, more of a backhanded compliment. I have been laughing it off and letting it slide. Why? Because I'm the low man on the totem pole and I don't want to rock the boat...not yet.
Friday was the end of that bullshit! I am the biggest woman in this office. Everybody is doing the keto/gluten free/sugar free thing. I don't. Most of them don't say much. My boss talks about how if she eats sugar she puts on 20lbs., but she doesn't judge people who do eat it. She just knows that she can't. I respect that.
One of the women is having a birthday and I offered to make a treat of some sort to bring in. Why? Because I love to bake and share with people. I asked what she'd like for her treat. Cookies? Cake? Pie? And it was met with "We don't eat that kind of garbage in this office." Uhm...okay... you could simply say, "We don't eat a lot of sugar here," and left it at that. Why be rude?
Example #2- I have to wear glasses. It isn't a fashion choice. It's a "I need them to see" choice. I found a website that sells cute frames in a style that I love so I have bought several pair. I will buy a few more. Why? #1- because I can. #2- because they make me feel pretty.
Friday, I was sitting in my office, working away. Rude co-worker waltzes in. Why? Because she had nothing better to do, I guess. She saw the pic of the man of distinguished taste on the wall beside my desk. And made a backhanded compliment about a woman of my age and size getting such a young, hot man. Then, she said, "Do you have a pair of glasses for every outfit? Who are you trying to be, Mimi from Drew Carey?" At that moment, I felt myself shrinking back into my shell. Do, I resemble that character in any way? No.
I carefully apply my make-up every morning so I look nice all day long. I color my hair because it makes me happy. The only thing this character and I have in common is that we are plus-sized. Rude Co-worker doesn't know me well enough to making the comments she's been making. But it doesn't mean that her words don't hurt.
She's made comments about how I'm going to need to go on a crash diet before The Man of Distinguished Taste comes home. I've told her, "Nope, he loves me just as I am." Instead of leaving it at that, she adds, "That will all change."
I stopped and bought myself an ice cream cone on my way home on Friday. I was so upset. I came home, changed my clothes, stripped my make-up off, and tried to break up with the man who loves me more than anything else. Why? Because a woman made me question my worth to this world. To HIS world.
I've spent the weekend, rolling the conversation over and over in my mind. I thought of a million comebacks I could have said, but I didn't. Instead, I let this woman get inside my head and fuck my world up.
I've also done a lot of thinking about how sad her life must be to feel like tearing me down makes her feel superior. She and I have a lot of things in common and could be friends if she weren't such a horrible human. We have rude and crude senses of humor, foul mouths, been divorced, and we love to read. Instead, what she has done is insure that we will never be anything more than two women who work in the same office.
Tomorrow, I will return to work. I will walk in with my gluten filled lunch. Drink my sugary caffeine filled drinks. And do my job to the best of my ability. I won't bring in any special celebratory treats. I will do my best to not interact with others more than I need to. I will keep my resume active on job sites and pray for a different job. I will remember that these women are not my friends. Because my friends have taken the time to know me and we work hard to encourage one another. And, above all else, I will remember that The Man of Distinguished Taste is crazy in love with me just as I am...with every single imperfection I have. I am allowed to take up space because I am here.
The moral of the story is this: Words can hurt. Words can cut deeper than any knife ever could. We just don't always see the wounds that words leave behind. Be kind to people. Be humble. You might just find that, one day, you may need the assistance of the person you're hell-bent on destroying.
