I have reached a point where I feel like I need to share this chapter in my story.
A year ago, I had a plan in place. I was going to check one last thing off my bucket list and I was going to take my leave. Then, something happened that changed my life and I'm sitting here today saying how grateful I am that it did.
Here's my story:
I have always struggled with bouts of depression and it has taken me a long time to see why. Sometimes severe, other times not so much. So many times I heard things like, "What do you have to be so upset about?" or "Do you think I'm always happy?" I couldn't make anyone understand, so at the age of 13, I began to write. I have an entire notebook full of writings that could be construed as a cry for help...if I had allowed anyone to read it.
As a teen, I struggled, but I had a best friend who kept me from jumping off the edge and ending it all. I know she doesn't realize it, but there were nights that she was the only lifeline I had. And I stayed a little bit longer.
As an adult, nothing seemed to work out. I got married because that was what I was supposed to do. And that ended in divorce. I tried to get pregnant and couldn't. I can't even begin to explain the pain of being unable to conceive. Because I'm a woman, of course, it was all my fault that I couldn't have a baby. The psychological trauma that caused scarred me so deeply.
Life just got harder and harder. Finances were always tight, but my working wasn't always an option. If I had a part-time job, I was told, "My job pays the bills, so mine is more important than yours." Which meant either I quit my jobs or walk to work. So, I secluded myself away from people and, in truth, no one really noticed I wasn't there.
Divorce was inevitable. Which marked me as a failure, in my opinion. And I hate to fail. I struggled severely. I moved to a new city and got my heart broke so many times. The dark thoughts took over and wrapped me in their warm blankets of despair.
Then, I reached the point where I was done. I had no purpose left and I was ready to end it all. I just had one more thing to do. On that chilly night, a voice on the other end of the phone made me realize that I may have a purpose. She has no idea what she did that night. She was a complete stranger, yet she turned my life around in a profound way.
If you are in the place where you are ready to take your leave of this life, please stay. I know you want the pain to end. The plan isn't to die, but to just stop hurting. I totally understand. The pain can be unbearable and not everyone understands it. However, there is a point where it will and you can still be living when it happens. Please stay. The world as a whole needs you and the heart you possess. There is a person, whom you may have not met yet, who's life will be profoundly affected by your absence. Put your hand over your heart. Do you feel that? You're still here. Please stay awhile longer. Talk to someone, even if it is a stranger. You may not feel like you matter, but you do. You matter to me. You matter to this world. Please stay.
My story hasn't ended yet, there is still so many more chapters to get through. Let me tell you what I've discovered this past year. If I had left this earthly realm:
I wouldn't have seen any more sunrises or sunsets.
I wouldn't have watched the moon rise and shine on me.
I wouldn't have sat in the booths at restaurants, laughing with Boo until we both cried.
I wouldn't have gotten to hug the baby boos and met the bonus baby boo.
I wouldn't have been able to see the changes that are taking place in my world, my community, or myself.
I wouldn't have met the man who holds my heart and soul.
I wouldn't have laughed with him a million times in the last year
I wouldn't be making the plans with him that I am.
And I wouldn't have realize that the pain and struggles I've been through may actually be why I'm still here. To tell my story so you and others like us don't feel so alone.
I'm not saying the pain is completely gone. God, some days it hurts so badly. Those are the days when I reach out and ask for Boo-time or I ask my man to talk when he has some time. And I remember my purpose. The purpose of telling my story so no one else feels like I have. The purpose of lifting people up and showing them that the reflection in the mirror isn't who they are. The purpose of fighting for your right and my right to take up as much fucking space as we need.
So, please stay. Your presence has a larger impact on this world than you realize. Don't give in to the pain. You are not weak. You are strong! Your friends and family may not understand, but that doesn't mean you are alone. Just stop for a moment and take a deep breath. In the darkest moment, don't search for the light switch. Just reach out a hand in the darkness and you'll find one reaching for you. There is a reason that you are needed here. It may not be obvious to you at this moment, but it's there. Please stay. And in case you have been looking for someone to say the words you have been needing to hear, I'm here saying, "Please stay."
