It is that time of year where we really look hard at the blessings in our lives. So many of us think of the people and the basic necessities when we count our blessings. From our jobs, the food on our tables, our families, and our friends, most of us have the same things that we are grateful for.
So, this year, I decided to step up my game. I wanted to reflect on this last year and how far I've come in my journey. While I will be forever thankful for the people in my life who support me and love me through the tough times, I've also chosen to look at the tough times as blessings. After all, they're part of this journey as well.
Long distance relationships...Lord, this has been a year! The ups and downs have damn near broke me. Because the Man of Discerning Taste isn't always available to reassure me or to comfort me on my bad days, I've had to really find a way to handle the emotions that have brought me to this place. While I don't recommend this for everyone, this has been one of the most amazing times for me. I've learned more about this man. I've learned more about myself. I've had the time to learn to trust and build my confidence in him and in our relationship. We also have managed to strengthen this bond we have and to build a firm foundation upon which we can build an incredible life together.
My roots. I've had to rely on my upbringing more than a little this year. The struggle to survive has been real. From moving on from a job that I knew and could do with my eyes closed to one that tested every drop of fortitude I had. To losing that job and finding a way to survive each day without eating out or running to the store when I needed something to remembering how to budget and making sure I cooked healthy (and cheap) meals, I have really had to get back to my roots.
My struggle with self-esteem and body image. Some days have been the best days ever. And yet others...wow, can we say "rock bottom?" The Man of Discerning Taste isn't always available to build me up. And while he is really good at it, I've had to find ways of doing it for myself. And for the most part I have. I take a little extra time to look beyond the colored hair and flirty eyelashes each day. I look at my eyes and my smile. I mean, really look. I don't "hate" my body like I used to. I'm finding the beauty in it. I found a woman on TikTok who posted a video last night that made me cry. She was talking about how she had deprived herself and her husband of certain experiences (going to the beach, playing in the sand, etc.) because of how much she hated her body. Then, she realized that no one gave a fuck what she looked like in a bathing suit. I made a vow to never deprive myself of these experiences again. In fact...I even started looking at bathing suits!
I have been humbled, schooled, shown a new way of seeing things, and responded in ways that aren't always flattering. However, all of these things have brought me to this point in my life. I've been given the chance to grow and learn. I've also learned how to say "No!" and still be okay. I've learned how to step away from situations that aren't necessarily good for me and to find ways to cope with the adversities Life will continue to throw at me. I've learned that I'm stronger than I think I am, but I'm still not at strong as outsiders think I am. I've cut ties with toxic people. I've learned to believe in myself more. I've learned that taking risk, while scary as hell, is definitely rewarding. I'm learning to take people at face value instead of looking for a hidden agenda. I'm learning to trust the process and to have faith that maybe God/The Universe/The Ancestors actually know what they're doing as they guide me through the trenches. I've also come to see that I do deserve the love and happiness that is being offered, that I don't have to earn it by being anything other than me. And I'm learning that all of my flaws and imperfections are part of what makes me beautiful
All of these things are stuff I am truly grateful for each and every day. Without the struggles, how on earth could I ever enjoy what is coming my way?