As much as I try to be an uplifting and positive force in people's lives, I too often forget that others don't share that belief. When I forget, I let down my guards and let people peek inside my world. That's when I'm reminded...some people just can't stand to see anyone happy and I get hurt.
I've been out of work for about a month. I am working part-time while looking for a full-time job. Trust me, the jobs might be posted, but not everyone is hiring. I've applied for unemployment while I wait for something to come through. So, the other day, I had an interview and it went well. Problem is that the store I will be working in doesn't open for another 3 weeks. I'm excited because a) it's a job, b) it pays pretty well, c) it's not what I'd normally be doing for work. I made the mistake of sharing this happiness with someone and the first words weren't, "Oh, that's great!" Instead, "Where's it located so I can do something to it so they can't open?" Now, this was said as a joke, but still…
When I replied with, "Even if this job doesn't pan out, I'm looking for something else," they walked away.
I have some pretty big life changes coming in the next few months. Again, I'm excited! Most people who know me are aware of these changes. Apparently, not everyone agrees with them. Quite frankly, I don't give a fuck! Something I think we've all learned during these last couple of years is that life is too short. And I'm tired of simply existing to pay bills and work every day. So, while I'm not much of a risk taker, I'm taking a very huge leap of faith with The Man of Discerning Taste.
When I tried to share my joy, the remark I heard was, "Well, I'll just hope he doesn't come home." I had no words! Especially because this person knows that my guy isn't your average guy. He's in the military! If he doesn't come home, it's because something tragic has occurred.
Now, why would people want to take away my happiness and joy? Well, in these cases, I'm not conforming to their plans. My absence disrupts their lives and becomes an inconvenience. To them.
What's hard is I'm not this type of person. I may not be a constant presence in your life, but I'm still cheering for you to win. Your husband got the job he's been wanting? Excellent! Your kids are making great choices and changing for the better? Amazing! I'm in your corner, wishing you the best. You've gotten that job you need? Yay! I love to see people win. And if they fall down, I'm there to help them back up. I'm just not built that way.
However...for a very long time, I've been the one making sacrifices and tolerating things I shouldn't simply because I was so tired. I stayed in jobs and relationships because I couldn't bear the thought of leaping without a safety net. Fear. Fear kept me in places long after I wasn't needed anymore. One thing I've really come to understand in the last year is that the only things I'm gonna regret at the end of my life will be the things I DIDN'T do.
These decisions will also mean that people will fall away and relationships will be severed. Boo and I have always agreed that a lesson, a season, or a lifetime...that's how long some people stay. Luckily, I know that she will be one of those people who stay a lifetime. As I step into my own happiness, I'm discovering that my circle is getting very small. That most outer circle of people will be completely gone by the time 2022 rolls in and that doesn't make me sad. If you can't share in my happiness because it inconveniences you, please show yourself the door.
Negativity is just the result of people's unhappiness with their own lives. Words hurt, whether we want to admit it or not. And when you attempt to suck the joy out of a person's life, you really have no idea just how much you are destroying. Because if someone let you in to their life, the least you can do is not break anything.
And as my mother would say, "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all."
