Some days are harder than others. Some days, I'm so happy that I can't stand it. Then other days, I can barely stand to breathe.
And I feel everything so deeply. There is no shallowness here. Happiness, joy, pain, sorrow and anger go straight to the core of who I am.
Every bit of it drains me to the point of exhaustion. And yet I keep going and going until I drop.
I'm a pleaser. I want everyone in my life to be happy and taken care of and heard. I do my very best to paste a smile on my face when my beautiful man requests a picture whether I feel like smiling or not. Why fake it? Because he's thousands of miles away and I don't want him to worry. I tell my Boo and Peanut to message if they need me. For them, I will take time out of my day to let them lean on me for a bit. However, very seldom do I ask them to drop everything for me. Why? Because everybody has enough of their own stuff going on that they don't need mine. (Quit making that face, Boo!)
When I drop my basket, as I am prone to do, very seldom does anyone know. "Never let them see you sweat" was a phrase I heard a lot growing up. I've modified it a bit over my lifetime. Some days it's, "Never let them see you stumble." Other days it becomes "Never let them see you cry."
Last week, I took a pic (as I do everyday) and sent it to my man. His response was "Why are you crying?" Turns out that every pic I've been sending him has told him more about what is going on behind that smile than I realized. Guess I won't be getting any acting awards! I broke down and unloaded things that have been on my mind. I will admit that I had A LOT going on in my head.
Once I unloaded on him, I felt guilty. After all, he's in the middle of a conflict overseas. He certainly doesn't need my shit on top of things. But he reminded me that he's strong and he's got me.
I spewed my thoughts all over poor Boo one morning. I started typing out a message and all of my thoughts and feelings came pouring out. It wasn't intentional. But, Boo, rockstar that she is, unpacked them all, laid them end to end, and analyzed me like a pro. And I hated myself because Boo has enough drama of her own, but she makes time for me.
Why do we hesitate to lean on those around us? After all, we aren't Superwoman. We are human beings. We can only do so much. We are social creatures who need that human connection. We need to be reminded that we aren't perfect, it isn't our job to take care of everyone, and that it is okay to not have it all figured out.
I grew up with a mom who did it all. I was thinking about one time when she had gone to the store alone. She'd left me at home. She pulled in the drive and was sitting in the car...just sitting there. I ran out and I saw her sigh. At the time, I thought nothing of it. But now...now it hits me. She was taking a brief moment to herself. To simply sit in the silence. No kids or husband demanding things of her. She was able to just exist.
So, in case you need to be reminded... you are not expected to know everything. You don't need to have the next 5 years, 5 months, 5 days, 5 hours, or hell, even 5 minutes planned out. You don't have to perfect. You don't have to heal the world.
